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There was a whole bunch about yesterday that I was going to write about today but I have totally forgotten all of it.

So, I didn't do coffee or caffeine again today. I didn't really miss it. Drank hot herbal tea most of the day, just not anything with caffeine. It would be a total yay moment if in doing this my resting heart rate was normal. It's not. I took it a little bit ago. 125. 125 sitting on my ass watching a Hallmark movie. A Christmas Hallmark movie. There's nothing on earth more peaceful, and my resting heart rate was 125. I should probably get that checked out.

I have an appointment with a new doctor in a couple of weeks.As sad as it will be to leave Dr.Hotpants, it needs done. I have three, no four years, of not really being listened to under my belt. Every symptom seems to get attributed to some external issue. Maybe if he would have listened, this goiter would have been caught early enough to aspirate it. But no, we still wanted to play the you must be losing all this weight because of your divorce game.

Anyway.

Today, felt like I was back on the right trajectory a little bit. I have some really great girlfriends and a no filter brother in Christ to thank for that. I think my one friend has telepathic messenger interventions down to a science. And my godly bro, fucking hate him and his telling me to listen to some song, a song that I accidentally put on repeat with my erratic fingers. Busted me up emotionally and tried not to but I ended up squashing that with vodka. Two days ago. But.....

But I woke up in a different mindset. I know what I am doing the same and what I am doing different. I know what I need to continue and need to change. I know I let a bad experience totally shade me fifty shades of the dark and angry. Far from any theology or faith lesson tonight, just personally in a place I have never been. Like I said before, I haven't been questioning the existence of God but my place in that existence. That my friends is what you call an existential crisis and the deeper my faith gets, the worse these moments seem to become.

So, day two, no caffeine and day two, no booze. Shrug. It's actually not that hard for me to abstain from either. I just wasn't trying on either count. It's easy to make excuses but it's nicer to be healthy.


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