Post Traumatic Sipping Disorder

If anything ever made sense, I probably wouldn't write. My apartment does not look like I spent the time I did bringing it into order. Seriously. Sisyphus is the last person anyone should relate to but here I am. I actually want to cry.   What's the point, though? God, it's not really even worth bringing up because so many people want to play armchair shrink and executioner. This is set up is not right for me. It really hasn't been but it is what I can afford. What a stupid day! 

I started taking 5-htp again last night. I forgot I still have half a bottle, an article in a magazine jostled my memory. I had been doing well taking it on and off. You're not supposed to take it continuously. Anyway, I started taking it again last night. 100mg before bed and I am so glad that I did! I slept well, although some of that may be because I am not loaded with caffeine. I've been in good spirits all day as well. I'm going to continue because it always seems to help. This morning a friend of mine who treats her MS with cannabis posted an article about CBD oil being useful for anxiety. I have considered that route. I need to do more research. I mean, I know the results of my,um, previous studies, yeah, previous studies involving cannabis products, but the oil is a different experience. I don't understanding to totally. Or where to get it. Or if I am comfortable with the gray area it falls into legally. I'm sure none of the side effects include thoughts o...

You know that meme you keep seeing, the one about feeding your soul, following your dreams, being some super self-actualized, super fucking happy ball of positivity? Yeah. That'd be great. No sarcasm. I spent half my lunch break crying. I don't even have the energy to write about the whys of that. All I can really say is that the office I work in seems to be housed deep inside a dementor's ball sac somewhere in the depth of hell. From where I went to that walk-in assessment last week, I had a call about scheduling therapy. When I called back, I got voice mail. A little disappointing since I am currently receptive to some in-depth analysis but oh well. Maybe this will happen. Maybe this won't. I don't know. Certainly, crying under a tree in the freezing ass cold did help me a little, but therapist offices are usually warm and have tissues. Day four of no caffeine. I am better for it. If not mentally, physically for sure. I had a drink at the bar last night....

Since tonight is my dancing night, I'm going to use my lunch break to jot down a few thoughts. I have a huge wave of anxiety coursing through me since this morning. I can't pinpoint any particular reason. It's just there.  Sucks, too, because I slept well last night and am in good spirits overall.  I am trying to focus on the positives at work. It's not as rolling of a list as I would like it to be. I had a strange interaction with someone who mentioned they are also a temp, and they have been here 2 years. Temping is not ideal. Too many variables, less of a sense of security,  a bit exploited... But dancing tonight, yes, that will be good. I have been enjoying the wine dance line dance lessons on Wednesdays. It's been a great stress relief and social outlet.  Plus, it fills alone time with something positive. I've let negative choices rule my alone time. I am committed to ending that. There's a lot of shit I need to work through  and out.  This ...

There was a whole bunch about yesterday that I was going to write about today but I have totally forgotten all of it. So, I didn't do coffee or caffeine again today. I didn't really miss it. Drank hot herbal tea most of the day, just not anything with caffeine. It would be a total yay moment if in doing this my resting heart rate was normal. It's not. I took it a little bit ago. 125. 125 sitting on my ass watching a Hallmark movie. A Christmas Hallmark movie. There's nothing on earth more peaceful, and my resting heart rate was 125. I should probably get that checked out. I have an appointment with a new doctor in a couple of weeks.As sad as it will be to leave Dr.Hotpants, it needs done. I have three, no four years, of not really being listened to under my belt. Every symptom seems to get attributed to some external issue. Maybe if he would have listened, this goiter would have been caught early enough to aspirate it. But no, we still wanted to play the you must be...

Posting from my phone tonight, so it will probably be brief. I woke at around 5 am in a panic that I had overslept. I haven't been sleeping in my room, various reasons that aren't important here. I turned the tv on and drifted back to sleep. I like to turn on TBN or EWTN when I know I am going to be drifty. For a long stretch, the only I could fall asleep was to the lullaby of Mother Angelica praying the rosary. I would prefer to sleep to spiritually based things than to fall asleep to things that are going to leave some negative mark on me. I didn't drink my normal coffee at the house but rather finished off the tea I made yesterday. I didn't stop for coffee at my normal stop because I realized Friday it was causing me to hit an unnecessary, nostalgic head space. So, I am going to work at changing my habits and give myself space to clear my head and definitely work at being better to myself. There is no reason I should feel some void about being single just becau...

The thing about Sunday... I deeply and truly missed my church when I couldn't go because of my work schedule. There hit a stretch where I couldn't hit service, I couldn't commit to small groups, and I missed it so much. When my schedule changed, I was excited to be able to get back to Sunday service. I was excited to get back into helping out. It means a lot to me. That being said. I haven't been to church in three weeks. I don't know when I am going back and I am really hoping that attendance is only one part of the grade. Some Christians work like hell for the devil. Seemingly if I am not related to those folks, they've friended me on Facebook. Nothing makes you want to join the darkside more than someone's extremely off-base and rude comments about your faith and super off the mark assumptions about the state of my relationship with God. Oh and in this case, commentary that suggested that I was chasing boys for lack of a better term was not only out ...

Saturday. Saturday just seems to get harder and harder. I first started having trouble with Saturdays when my ex first moved out and we started bouncing our kid back and forth on weekends. It's a lot of time to try and fill. The thing of it is, it wasn't even that much time. When that started in 2014, I worked a retail job. My "weekend" started Tuesday night, so Saturdays and Sundays weren't all leisure time. Two months ago, Saturday suck got a lot worse. I am grateful to be back in a Monday to Friday gig. I just didn't realize how difficult weekends would be. The weekend my son goes to the dark side is also the weekend my daughter works. That was an over site on my part, I agreed to a change with my ex and didn't think it through all the way. The first couple of weekends, I think I was so excited about the novelty of not having to work that there was a certain spring in my step. I'm not saying I lost the bounce but I am not enjoying all this f...

While I had intended to make my postings at the end of the day, like a beautiful little diary, today I am going to do something mid-day. I slept like a tranquilized baby last night. I woke up and felt as normal as I have felt in forever. I love waking up with energy and optimism.  I sustained that...until I couldn't. The morning really was great. My son had picked out an outfit at Target last night and has been so super proud of this claiming of his identity. Nerd has come a long way since I was a kid. That's what he sees himself as...a nerd...and it's not a negative in his mind. What I love about his nerdom, it's not nerdy and it makes him happy. My only pop culture reference (such as it is) is Wes Kain...if Wes Kain were into Minecraft, Pokemon and NASA. The swagger on this kid this morning made my heart happy. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment for my anxiety this afternoon but when I thought I was going to get hooked up with a walk-in assessment.....

I slept two hours last night. Completely, totally, entirely my fault because I was on the phone call with a friend in till 4:30 in the morning. It need it done though. Sometimes talking is better than sleeping but I'm certainly paying for it right now. The upside of sleep deprivation is that it forces you to be very mindful and focused. The hypervigilence about staying awake somehow takes all your energy off of all the shit you shouldn't be wound up about anyway. In the sweet spot of my tiredness today I felt "normal"... the way I feel when I am feeling more complete than I have lately. It's a nice upside if you ask me. Outside of that sweet spot, I couldn't stay away from ruminating over a wide array of subjects. Third guessing third guesses of third guesses I haven't even second gurssed yet. Building backstories for my workqueue and character studies of my off-site cohorts. Googling existential questions and hoping for practical answers with full color...

Day one. Well, not exactly, but day of the first significant step toward healing. Look at me, getting ahead of myself already. My brain is funny that way. I am an intelligent, articulate woman, You wouldn't know it sometimes, tongue-tied and twisted and reverting to ancient dialects I come off not so great. I write letters to my brain on Facebook a lot. People think it's funny, and it is. It's god damned hilarious usually because laughing at myself is the only thing that resembles peace on some days. Day one. More of a first day of the rest of my life kind of day or so I'd hoped. I am fine. Oh no, I am fine. Nine hundred variations of that lie...repeated daily...for a very long time. Going all the way to the beginning is too far back, we'll save flashbacks for rainy days and Mondays. It's fairly sketch in the middle but I'm not ready to talk about that. So where does this story really begin? December 29, 2008 is a good starting point for this story. Twen...